Disowning Myself - Dawngi Chawngthu

Goodbye...
was what i said
to myself
on that July morning
in 2002
i watched myself stand
along with the rest of my folks
as i waved goodbye
and drove off...
i felt myself disintegrate
saw myself torn in two
and the process of
disowning myself
had only just begun

Hello...
i later said
to my new self
a self made lighter
with disorientation
and self denial
but so much more heavier
with added responsibility
of a new role...
since then i have now
functioned as a protective mother
to my four children
and a somewhat laid-back wife
to my equally laid-back man

Irony...
the process of
disowning myself
had not after all
been a difficult task
my carefree
head held high walk
has been replaced
by a careful tread...
hugely approved by my children
you see
they've always complained
of my proud walk
as they would call it

I beliefs...
Strong ones
a couple of them
are now replaced
by we believe
safe ones
conventional ones
palatable ones
non-controversial ones...
yes, its been easy
to re-schedule
my thoughts
my time
my priorities

meanwhile...
my old self
smiles back at me
from photographs
of yester years
testimony
of a life i left behind
with the other me
i said goodbye to...
in July '02
my clothes of those days
that no longer fit
lie neatly packed
in my old suitcase

ceremoniously...
i go through them
every now and then
with half a mind
to do away with them
telling myself
they've served their purpose
and made me feel good in the past
but i stop and say no...
these are things
that take me back
to a time
when i was whole
and undisowned

and so...
i lie trapped
somewhere deep inside
my old suitcase
wrapped carelessly
in an old green dress
suspended between what was
and what will be
ready now for a resurrection...
i tentatively reach out
to reclaim lost identity
and steer myself towards the unknown
waiting for the new beginning
to unveil itself.


Picture: Models, oil on canvas, by Laltanpuia